Tale’s from the CITY

SCANDAL

Today we gather to discuss the elephant in the room that appeared in City the Animation Episode 3. You know the one, the plagiarism accusations. Plaintiff…ME! Let’s roll back the clock a week to Episode 2 where the issue at hand appeared. 2 notes beforehand, 1. I am not a manga reader. 2. My sense of humour is incomprehensible and downright unfunny to anyone but myself and the ball of raw human emotion that is my dear friend Larkin whose laughs can only be alleged. My predicament was simple, how do I make a offhand joke about my beloved Wako Izumi falling into a river. I would never say falling into a river, what do you take me for, a hack(who in fact did say those very words) so I personally invented a two letter descriptor that literally makes zero sense and is actually an incorrect descriptor of her previous action of tripping on a step and rolling right in without consent. So in my avante garde unfunniness I dubbed her “RIVER PEDESTRIAN WAKO”. That was July 17th, 4:11 PM. Cue City the Animation Episode 3 schlepping itself most welcomingly onto our collective eyeballs on July 20th and there I witnessed quite possibly the funniest thing humanly imaginable, though explicitly stolen(remember I am no manga reader) from my brain from the week previous though of course my own post only came out 3 days prior. There I witnessed my beloved Wako dandy right over to a river, joyously pull out of her handbag a curious round shoe, affix it and another to her feet and viewers discretion advised I must solemnly say a second plane has hit the tower and Wako walks right into the river, actively, like someone with places to go. A pedestrian even, a RIVER GODDAMN PEDESTRIAN WAKO! In other words aside from this lawsuit I just commend Arawi for having a sense of humour more cracked than an ass that it ends up being predictable to a internet dweller of zero creative talent such as myself. I salute you, you genius hack you.

Citation

EPISODE 5

ERROR ERROR THOUGHTS NOT FOUND. SYSTEM SHUTDOWN, STROKE IMMINENT. PRE DEATH ACTION ENABLED. CURRENT PRE DEATH ACTION: HANDSHAKES AND HANDJOBS FOR EVERY MEMBER OF STAFF AT KYOTO ANIMATION AND EVERYONE ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH CITY THE ANIMATION EPISODE 5. PLEASE STAND BY FOR 24 HOURS AS I COMPLETE THAT ACTION AND COMMENCE COMPREHENDING WHAT I HAVE JUST WITNESSED.  THIS MESSAGE REPEATS…

BALLS!

It was a fine summers’s day in CITY. The kids were out playing sports, the sky was spotless and one terminal loser named Niikura chose to touch grass for the first time in her life. It would be her final day on earth.

4:20:69 PM The first ball came flying outta the sky and hit her square in the face. An unknown narrator exclaimed “HEADSHOT” and then the earth became silent once more. A boy arrives at the scene, bends over in apology for what we learn was his ball and BAM, not one but two balls slap Niikura square on the chin. The narrator yells “DOUBLE TAP”. The world is silent for a moment before the boys come swarming. Surrounded by men Niikura is battered with balls as they come swinging outta nowhere, climaxing in a four way that sends Niikura airborne. There’s silence. Then The Woman speaks. She points fingers. She shouts wildly. She cries hysterically. Then something shifts and a murderous aura fills CITY. The Woman smiles adorably at one boy before she winds up a head splitter of a THWACK and kills him instantly. Another boy meekly offers a hand in peace. The Woman shifts The Weapon between her hands before delivering another death sentence. An offering is given of chives. A bisected body and a chiding cackle is the only response as The Woman starts talking in astrology terms, citing the universe in her manifesto of murder. A gifted musician is given one last chord before she snaps the one tying his soul to this earth. No. 4, a total innocent, is executed by a back to the head blow. His innocence proves too much though, The Woman finally snaps outta her ballbusting parade and a tearful Niikura lies in the carnage, shamed. It was simply a bad day but nevertheless she chooses to go out with honour and becomes the first person in probably 200 years to be killed by catapult. RIP Nii “The Woman” Kura, this joke would’ve worked if you had a last name but oh well.

Balls.

THE MEANING OF LIFE?

“What is the meaning of life” I mumble amidst the warm steam rising from the fresh gyoza plated beneath me as I sat in a particular restaurant in City. The chef didn’t offer a response and I didn’t expect one, it was well after midnight and the quiet of the establishment was it’s most pleasing factor. Insomnia forced me into the streets night after night, wandering a world so distantly inhabited yet so utterly unalive. Mimineko prowled the streets but otherwise I drunk in the blackness, the true dead of night only found in a city turned to slumber. I caught the light moments before my nose alerted me to the presence of this peculiar open shop and before I knew it I was seated. I wasn’t even hungry yet the chef with a smile and no other verbalization handed me this feast.  I don’t even think I was hungry but the existence of this blazing lighthouse in the dead city had me famished. I ate slowly, savouring every bite, chewing as quietly as one could. That’s when she appeared. Like a bat out of hell this woman raced into the shop and the moment her own meal was wordlessly placed before her she set upon it like a rabid beast, her slurps and smacks tearing the night asunder as a truck raced by outside, shattering the world I had lived in. “Forever” I thought as I found myself transfixed on this animalistic ball of insatiable human desire. And just as quickly as she appeared this woman was done, meal consumed, paid for, and finally the door slammed shut. “Niikura” said the chef, almost as if in answer to a query I’d forgotten I’d asked. He smiled at me, I paid, and off into the night I went. With renewed purpose I marched into the previously dead city as my head filled itself with the image of this woman, more alive than any person I’d ever laid eyes upon. I didn’t notice the truck.
The city sleeps soundly once more.

This tale has nothing to do with City the Animation Episode 7. I think.

HEART UNDER ARREST

“Welcome one and all to the 6th Troupe Tekaridake performance of Heart under Arrest!”
[Enter Fighting Monkey in a policeman’s uniform, playing the role of Honkan. Also on stage, a awkwardly placed bucket of cardboard arrows and the trapdoor currently lowered is surrounded by tape]
DUNDUNDUN  “Oh poor Honkan, stewing in the sun in a city most safe, oh how the mind wanders. A muse, a fantasy, oh what thoughts stir in his head. Oh indeed, it is Wako Izumi that clouds his mind, oh what a sweet love.” DUNDUNDUN
[Enter Hell Bird(yeah that’s his name apparently) flies across the stage to simulate thoughts of Wako Izumi. He takes approximately 11 seconds to do this. Also enter Quaksky in the role of Riko Izumi, the younger sister.]
DADUNN “But what does Honkan see but the young Riko, floating mindlessly, adorably, across the street. Directly towards the open pothole before. The great Honkan jumps to the rescue of this citizen, he reaches out…!” DADUNN
[Fighting Monkey misses Quaksky and the bird gracelessly tumbles down the trapdoor. Thankfully unharmed and out of the audience’s view the trapdoor raises though it takes a good 30 seconds.]
DUNDUNDUN “Honkan catches the youth, oh what a hero he is hurrah! She shows her thanks most humbly, but little does she know her own power!?” DADUNN
[Fighting Monkey throws himself bodily from his screen partner, quickly grabs a cardboard arrow and dramatically plunges it into his chest where it safely breaks in half.]
DADUNN “The cupids arrow smashed poor Honkan senseless but he is not a mere mortal, with but a single thought of Wako he steadies himself again before this vixen, totally unaware of her own powers over all she meets. Can Honken handle this onslaught of affection and stay true to his love!?” DADUNDUNDUN
[Hell Bird flies across the stage, taking only 10 seconds this time as Fighting Monkey pretends to struggle against the arrow in his hand, before with gusto throwing it from his person. Hell Bird swoops again, taking only 8 seconds wow he’s into this role.]
DADUNN “Riko stares unthinkingly at this struggle and does what she does best, she raised her hand and she salutes this man who saved her. Oh to be such a grateful person, what a beautiful world she must see. But what does she miss with those innocent eyes?” DADUNN
[Grasping a handful of arrows Fighting Monkey jumps the highest vertical ever recorded in City limits and uses that time to smash arrows this way and that into his small frame. He contorts, he convulses but he never touches the ground for a solid 23 seconds, a visual so effective the audience jumps when he smacks back into the ground. He bounces once naturally, and than is still. [Enter the entire Adatara family as background citizens who form a line behind Fighting Monkey.]
DUNDUNDUN “Is he defeated, has the gleaming innocence of Riko overtaken his mind, his duty, his pride as a man!? No! Honkan is the best of us! He shall not fall, he shall not waver, One for Honkan, Honkan for One!!!” DUNDUNDUN
[With that cry and a final flight from Hell Bird, a 6 second flurry that finds him passionately embedded in the back wall(don’t worry he’s ok, probably) Fighting Monkey grabs the bucket of arrows and proceeds to fling them accurately to all the extras and without missing a beat every member of the Adatara clan plunges them into their chests and falls slowly to the floor. Standing still in this sea of bodies is Fighting Monkey and Quaksky.]
DUNDUNDUN “The man falls, a king rises and a king returns Riko’s salute. Honkan is a man of the people, for the people, and all who dwell in City sleep safely under his watch. One for Honkan, Honkan for One! As Riko snaps back a second salute only a hat falls this time, Honkan stands at attention to the end!” DUNDUNDUN
[The cast lines up to the audience and bows as I take the stage. Hell Bird is still embedded in the far wall.]
“Thank you everyone for enjoying this performance of Heart under Arrest, please return tonight for our 7th show, called Throat. Good day City!!!”

On the other side of town a strange event takes place. A adult women emerges oh so naturally from the river and unleashes a flurry of sneezes. She smiles, mutters “someone must be thinking of me a whole lot right now” and turns back around. The River Pedestrian returns to the river and City welcomes the evening.

EPISODE 9

ERROR ERROR THOUGHTS NOT FOUND. SYSTEM SHUTDOWN, STROKE IMMINENT. PRE DEATH ACTION ENABLED. CURRENT PRE DEATH ACTION: HANDSHAKES AND HANDJOBS FOR EVERY MEMBER OF STAFF AT KYOTO ANIMATION AND EVERYONE ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH CITY THE ANIMATION EPISODE 9. PLEASE STAND BY FOR 24 HOURS AS I COMPLETE THAT ACTION AND COMMENCE COMPREHENDING WHAT I HAVE JUST WITNESSED. THIS MESSAGE REPEATS…

THE MEANING OF LIFE ACT 2

The greatest mistake of my entire life was the day I pondered aloud the meaning of life and received my answer. When it, or specifically she dashed off into the dead of night from whence she came she took my answer, my purpose, my very meaning with her. I never saw her again, not even when I made my midnight wanderings a permanent fixture of my life for an entire month, abandoning the world of the living and all that lies within it just for another glimpse of her, a glimpse that never came. This dark period, this black hole in my life that I could never explain to any queries it might face was almost the end of it all. Not in a depressing sense mind you, remember I have personally received my answer to a question no one else has been gifted, is it not natural for a life to end once it tastes such a unholy fruit. I had experienced Eden, I was fulfilled wholly in it’s sweetness, there was nothing left to do on this earth for me. But one day I opened my Galaxy Tab S8 “Niikura”(and if you think I’m joking well you don’t know me) and opened the YouTube. My glazed mind reaches for the Reels when IT caught my eye. The tails flutter swept my feet, the ears made my eye’s bulge, the red cheeks made me instinctively feel warm inside, the dress oh so elegant, the pool float… the pool float? THE POOL FLOAT! Before me stood my purpose in life, a new meaning, a 2nd opportunity maybe no one had ever been offered before in the history of our species. I clicked the video and watched it with a attention so singular that once the 3 minutes and 3 seconds were over I realized the intensity had left me blind. As my vision returned I clicked onto the channel where one other video lay, as pure as a virgin. I clicked it to and went to heaven once more. When it ended I watched the previous once again, than again, than again, than again…. It took me 4 days to return to my senses. In doing so I would commit an action that would damn me to Hell for the rest of my life. I checked the date of the 2nd and last videos upload. 5 Years, 1,825 Days, 43,800 Minutes, 2,628,000 Seconds. AGO!

5 Days Later. When the authorities finally broke into the apartment it betrayed no signs of struggle or violence. The smell of gyoza still lingered and the computer was still on, playing 2 videos in a loop. But the constant stream of “gonsu gonsu” did little to bring life to this room that so clearly hadn’t had a human living in it these past 3 days. The desired window to successfully find a missing person is 72 hours. And they’d missed it.

CITY WARS OPENING CRAWL

A few days ago in a city not that far away…

CITY WARS

Episode XII
THE REVENGE OF THE LOCKET

Peace has returned to CITY. The summers’s inevitable wane has healed the wounds of  MAKABE TOWER and the 4TH CITY RACE. But deep in the recesses of a trinket store the LOCKET still waits.

NIIKURA FUMBLEWALKER‘s failure to capture MIMINEKO and win the 4TH CITY RACE still hang over her. The LOCKET is missing, never to be seen again. Her friendships with NAGUMO and THE RIVER PEDESTRIAN grows strained with each passing day. The future looks POOR.

Elsewhere the blissful days of play for ERI and MATSURI are coming to a close. The imminent move will separate them forever, ending their very youth. There is HOPE though, the riches of the 4TH CITY RACE still sit in their pockets, untouched and heavy with potential. CAPITALISM will connect their futures, or burn down everything they have ever built.

On a certain street a ??? stands at attention, a 100 YEN coin at it’s feet. A trinket store opens for the day with a certain LOCKET for sale, only 100 yen in all. Finally the brave FUMBLEWALKER begins her journey down a certain path. Will she intersect with this chain of events, will the LOCKET return to her grasp, can CITY heal it’s final wounds…

THE CASE AGAINST WAKO IZUMI

The ICC vs Wako “The River Pedestrian” Izumi.
Prosecution: Syd Craft
Defence: Ryouta Adatara
Presiding Judge: Yuri Moemi

Charges: Crimes against Humanity(2 counts), domestic terrorism (2 counts) possession of banned substances/explosives (69 counts), being adorable (factual statement, illegitimate charge)

It was a blazing day in September when world famous detective turned ICC prosecutor Syd Craft landed in City, Japanish. The story that had captured his personal and professional attention was one not seen in the legal world in decades and a slam dunk case if there ever was one. 2 distinct acts of terrorism with confessions caught on wall based security cameras and a certain documentary crew’s footage. A defence attorney with zero prior qualifications and a judge that literally doesn’t exist outside of a bad pun. It was Syd’s time to mark his name in history and it all begins here and now.

The mood shifted when he walked in the courtroom, his reputation proceeding him like a bitter chill that shushed the oddly empty room. There was no press to start which was weird, there had been no silencing orders and his name should’ve got any self proclaimed journalists running for the story. The defence attorney really was a kid, high school at the oldest, drinking a coffee on a desk empty of documents. “Man, he ready for anything is he” thought Syd as a sly smile spread across his face. The suspect sat beside her sister, beaming without a care in the world. She looked wet, in fact she was soaking, the water pooling at her feet and a hunk of seaweed conspicuously placed atop her head. The River Pedestrian lived up to her reputation and than some. The thought passed through Syd’s head that she wouldn’t have looked out of place in the harem he had as a rambunctious youth but he banished it, he was as faithful a man now as he was sure that police officers really are domestic abusers, just the way he liked it. Than he noticed the judge. The judge returned his gaze. A cold shiver rocked his body because he realized something was wrong. “That judge isn’t human” he thought. And indeed, the ??? that was standing in as the judge wasn’t. It smiled at him and the gavel swung down. The trial was on…

The morning had come and gone in a haze of proceedings and introductions but the courtroom remained rather empty. Sure at 1PM Officer Honkan had come and looked at his evidence to log it but otherwise this large space was underpopulated. Where were the press, where were the gawkers, heck where’s the jury. Syd could tell something fishy was going on but he couldn’t deduce it just yet, just like how he still couldn’t figure out what Judge Yuri even was, he’d even marked off a Tsuchinoko as a possibility because he remembered catching one as a youth. He knew his evidence was airtight but he also knew the danger of this case as he had failed to track down any witnesses, heck that documentary crew he was relying on didn’t seem to exist in his world. The gavel brought himnback to reality.

“Mr. Craft, please present your case for the record!” bellowed the judge most excessively.
“Ah yes your honour, I am ready to present my case of this most insidious crime.”
At this Mr. Adatara stood up, posed awkwardly, sipped his coffee and sat back down with no comment.
“ It was September 1st when the 4th City Race charges were incurred” began Syd.
“As you are all aware the climax of that race was an act of terrorism on a grand scale, by my count 68 explosive devices where detonated on the final leg resulting in an incalculable amount of damage to the municipality and several racers finding themselves airborne for significant periods of time upon which they discovered that yes, gravity does exist.” He continued.
“ 14 severe burns, 4 counts of animal abuse, one bruised ego and 3 assaults which were unrelated to the defence but don’t worry, once I’m done here I will be taking Niikura down and you all will be saved!” Syd was out of breath, he had never had to list off such an egregious list of violent actions in his life. The scale and nature of this act of domestic terrorism was awe inducing but the worst part was still to come.
“ Amidst the chaos one thing was noticed by several witnesses, surpassing even the sound of fire and fury. They all heard it, I am of course talking about the giggling!”
The courtroom went silent, than from the defences side came at first a quiet, rhythmic noise that built until suddenly it pierced Syd’s ear. Wako was laughing. Wako was giggling. Wako was caught red handed and red faced, he had her dead to rights… the gavel broke him out of this thought.
“Mr. Syd, as you have no witnesses to corroborate this may you please present your evidence to the court.” Again with that excessive pitch the judge called to him.
“Ah yes your honour let me bring out the television set, this is a tape.” Syd said.
Continuing “This tape is from an on the ground documentary that caught everything, please pay attention to 22:04 onwards as Wako clearly confesses to the crime.”
23 minutes later they paused the documentary as Syd sat shaken by what he had to watch once again. It was a meticulous documentation of the events of the 4th City Race and even showed the climactic attack uncensored, the human and animal bodies flying into the sky in visceral detail. Syd was sure this had moved the judge and nonexistent jury and he faced him. But the voice that rang out next was new to him, and it came from the defence.
“Your honour” spoke Ryouta Adatara “may I say what we’ve all been thinking for Mr. Crafts benefit.”
“Motion granted” spoke the judge, awfully quiet in comparison to how he addressed Syd.
“Ok Mr. Syd, I will be fully honest with you, do you understand the nature of the video you have just showed this court.” Adatara spoke this humbly, but he was almost leering.
“It is a documentary” replied Syd.
“No Mr. Syd, that was a cartoon.”
The silence that had hung over the courtroom broke in that moment as Riko Izumi snorted herself awake. Suddenly the defence was on the attack.
“Mr. Syd, name this documentary and it’s director for the court” announced Ryouta as he sipped his coffee, his eye contact with Syd never breaking.
“Ah yes sorry, this documentary is titled City the Animation as directed by Taichi Ishidate, and I would like to say that this is no cartoon, this is uh… us exactly as I see you all now.” Syd stumbled on his words but he still got his point across.
“Us?” jeered Ryouta “Mr. Syd I am sorry to say but there is no us. You are no more a cartoon character than I am a real person.”
The words landed like knives into Syd’s chest, bringing back memories of the Axe that had ended his detective career, the Axe that kept him pinned to the page forevermore.
“… uh, I, oh” Syd was losing ground but than She interjected.
“Who voiced me?” spoke Wako Izumi, her first record words on the day’s transcript.
“Yui Ishikawa” replied Syd quickly.
“She sounds cute!” replied Wako before giggling cutely.
“Ah yes” choked out Syd, than the gavel struck home.
“Fictional evidence is rejected by this court! Might I remind you Mr. Syd that the world isn’t so black and white anymore, you can’t just accuse a young women of something horrible and than cite a literal children’s cartoon! Do you have any more evidence?”
The judges words thundered once again upon Syd and he could only meekly reply with a no.
“Than case dismissed, every charge associated with September 1st is now null and void!” The judge than continued “Now Mr. Syd, I’m aware your other charges for September 29th still haven’t been introduced, please do that now.”
“Ah yes, the airport gas attack. Let me get right on that.” Syd immediately threw out the documentary evidence he had for this case as apparently City the Animation was in fact, fiction. “When I get my hands on this Ishidate” he muttered as he reached for his final piece of evidence. Pulling out a little envelope Syd began to smile again. Within it was the most potent piece of evidence, one that would salvage this disaster of a day in a instant. Reaching in he pulled out a… star? “A Michelin star?? What is this, where did it come from, what happened to my killer evidence?” Syd’s mind flew into a frenzy and than it clicked.
Honkan. Officer Honkan had checked over his evidence. Officer Honkan who was caught on video in Ishidate’s so called documentary fighting his own heart over not just Wako, but Riko Izumi. Officer Honkan was compromised for the defence. Officer Honkan had set him up.
“Drat” said Syd and only the gavel answered…

Several hours later.

The blazing orange of dusk filled City’s skyline most brilliantly, blinding the one black and white man. Syd Craft, ICC prosecutor and world famous detective stood by the river in a daze. The day had been a disaster the likes of which were comparable only to the Axe. He would’ve called his wife but she wasn’t picking up, the time zones were too drastically different. Working alongside her had definitely factored into today despite her absence, his absolute trust of the police being entrenched through their matrimony, an absolute trust that foreign officer named Honkan had most viciously torn up. This land of color was corrupt to it’s core, best not linger. As Syd walked down the sidewalk by the river it happened. Wacked Mole, a minor character on September 29th where he made a shocking appearance through solid concrete pulled off this feat once more. Syd tripped, rolled down some steps and continued right into the river in one devastatingly smooth motion.

“Just like She did, oh damn that River Pedestrian to hell!” Syd thought. His last before the water consumed him. And somewhere in City, quiet at first but rising rose one, never-ending sound. A woman giggling. Cutely.